The overriding goal of life is to be happy. As a completely-sober Bob Marley sang, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” It was a song, a universal maxim, an obnoxious slogan on a trucker hat.
But for many, the happiness remains elusive.
Why? Happiness is a call-to-action without a set of instructions. There’s no class for it in high school. Even new-age, hippy parents like mine never gave a “happy talk”. (Luckily, they skipped the cringy ones too.) The bottom line is that we’re just supposed to figure it out ourselves.
Instead, society imprints a blueprint for life that looks a lot like this:
1. Study to get a good job
2. Work hard to get a promotion
3. Retire so you can ‘be happy’ for a few years, maybe.
On the surface, it sounds ultra practical – noble, even. Delay your gratification, and reap the rewards, they say. But why should you wait to be happy? Trading freedom now when you may not have the health to enjoy it later sounds like a risky bet to me. This post will share with you how the five ways to avoid the unhappiness traps and be happier.
1. Live More by Needing Less
Fight Club is one of my favorite movies of all time. It’s such a smart and stylish film, with a biting commentary on materialism and masculinity. Tyler Durden, the antihero played by a roid-raged Brad Pitt, declares:
“The things you own end up owning you.”
Advertising has been persuading you to buy shit you don’t need since long before Fight Club. Digital marketing and social media have only amplified our addiction to conspicuous consumption. Now you’re not “keeping up with the Joneses” but the entire Internet.
Yet science is proving that experiences bring us longer-lasting happiness than products. The excess consumerism of Western society has met a growing backlash. Movements like Minimalism and Conscious Consumption have many people rethinking what they buy. Don’t call it the death of capitalism, but an awakening of what’s essential.
Last year, I gave up my job, apartment, and city to travel the world. I sold most of my possessions to earn some extra cash for the road. I stayed in basic dorms with shared bathrooms and ate street food or microwaved meals to cut costs. It felt like college all over again. I met a few westerners abroad, who’d spent all year saving for a week’s vacation at a resort hotel. They splurged on first-class seats, spa days, and fine dining. I had none of that, but I bought myself the freedom of time.
With that extra time, I was able to dive deep into the culture of the places I visited and live like the locals. I hardly remembered the hotels I stayed at. But I remembered hiking volcanoes, meditating with monks, watching sunsets with friends. All I had was an oversized backpack, a dwindling bank account, and a sense of adventure. And I was happy as hell with that! I learned that I needed a lot less than I once thought.
Quick disclaimer: I hope that this doesn’t seem condescending. There are still days where I act entitled and ungrateful. Nor is this meant as an “Eat Pray Love” call to self-discovery. I won’t implore you to sell every possession and move into a Tiny House. That’s not realistic for most of us.
But beware of the hedonic treadmill. That’s our tendency to revert to a base level of happiness, even when positive things happen to us. Think of the lottery winner that feels no different a year later. Or the overjoyed newlyweds that become bitter roommates. In short, many of the things you think you want will bring everlasting happiness.
That wealth isn’t a key to becoming happier is depressing to some. But I would argue that it’s a liberating fact. So many of us justify a soul-sucking, all-consuming job for the ‘lifestyle’ it brings. What’s the point of a lifestyle with no life? Instead, what matters is how you spend your time, and how much of it is on things that bring us joy.
2. Don’t Leave Happiness to Chance
Some people ascribe happiness to a twist of fate. They think that happy people have the right genes, the right parents, the right friends, and so on. It’s not true. Take two siblings with similar genetics but radically different trajectories in life. Look at the trust fund kids that spiral out of control into drug abuse and alcoholism. Picture the idolized celebrities who suffer from severe loneliness and depression.
Then find those that escaped poverty and broken homes to achieve their dreams. Those that overcame long odds, physical and mental shortcomings to reach success. For a long time, I blamed my unhappiness and mistakes on my parents’ divorce. I blamed my father, who was absent for most of my childhood. I finally realized that if I wasn’t happy, I had no one to blame but myself.
Happiness, like success, is never a matter of luck alone. You are the captain of your life, not a crew member. Scientific research is starting to prove what many of us have known: life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it. In other words, your attitude is what matters. Don’t let yourself be a victim of life’s circumstances. Don’t let self-defeating thoughts get in the way of your happiness.
Be intentional about your pursuit of happiness, never passive. That’s why I’m a big advocate of discipline and habits, whether that’s daily routines or goal setting. When I create a routine, I’m more likely to do it every day. There are many things you can do each day to be happier. Here are six of my favorites:
1. Exercise or stretch every day – whatever it takes to break a sweat and release some endorphins.
2. Journal 5-10 minutes per day about positive experiences or things you’re grateful for.
3. Perform a few random acts of kindness each week.
4. Turn off your phone after work (or at least don’t check your email). Stay off your computer on vacation.
5. Meditate for at least 5-10 minutes every day.
6. Make time for friends and family, even if you’re busy.
3. Focus On What matters
The biggest obstacles to your happiness are the distractions life throws your way. By distractions, I don’t mean text messages, social media, TV, etc. Sure, those can all be huge time wasters. Turn off the notifications for a while, and reduce the number of trivial decisions you need to make. This will immediately improve your focus and mood.
But the real danger is the misguidance and poor decisions that throw your whole life off course. The endless temptations that make you deviate from your path. Take the person that buys into the narrative that the trappings of wealth are most important. They need a huge house, foreign cars, watches, and so on to feel important. They then feel compelled to go into a high-stress, long-hours field even if they dislike the work. Their parents pushed them into a ‘prestigious’ job. They think that they need to need to achieve a level of wealth or esteem before they can be happy.
That doesn’t work, because it’s never enough. The misalignment between what you do and what you want to do creates unhappiness. The status symbols and glory will never justify 80+ hours a week of misery. Most people don’t give a shit anyway, so stop trying to please them. Instead, focus on the one person whose approval you need and deserve: your own. Remember that it’s not your responsibility to live up to others’ expectations of you. You don’t have to take their criticism to heart, nor do you need to heed their advice.
So what matters, then? Your most important task in life is to find and do your passion. The best gift in life is the rare chance to do work that matters.
How do you find what you’re passionate about? Take out a notepad and a sheet of paper. Ask yourself these questions:
-What makes you feel alive?
-What do you want to create?
-Who do you want to help?
-Which societal issues would you like to help solve?
-What gets you up in the morning?
Take time to reflect on your answers. If the answers are still not coming to you, that’s okay. The key is to start and put something into action. Write a few hypotheses of what you think makes you happiest. Then try something new related to those things, and see how you react. For example, if you’re interested in photography, take a course on it. If you like to write, start a blog. Want to work in new field? Find a program or internship. If those aren’t available, interview people in that field, and see if you can shadow them for a day. Keep trying things until you hit pay dirt.
4. Cherish Your Inner Circle
If finding your passion is the number one goal in life, finding the right people to share it with is the second. A lot of motivational gurus will tell you to lock yourself in a room and focus on yourself. If your friends and family are all pessimists, that could be a good start. But it’s not sustainable. No one succeeds alone. Jobs had Wozniak, Jordan had Pippen. Every successful person has people that have helped them along the way.
Success aside, social connections are the most significant predictor of happiness. Your relationships with friends and family largely determine your satisfaction with life. So focus on building relationships outside while you improve your inner self. Don’t try to be a lone wolf. One of the top regrets of the dying is that they wished they stayed in touch with their friends. Make a conscious effort to keep those relevant to you in your life.
That leads me to the most important relationship of them all. The next most important thing you can do is to find a life partner that shares your values and happiness. According to the Office for National Statistics, couples spend about 2.5 hours a day together. That’s over 15% of your waking hours. Do you want to spend roughly 1/6th of your life with someone who is positive and encourages your goals? Or someone who is pessimistic and negative all the time?
Not to mention that marriage is a legal contract, much like a partnership in business. You assume the other’s liabilities and assets. So a wrong decision could mean not only an emotional loss but years of financial setback. They say that you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. There’s no one you’ll spend more time with than your spouse.
Once you’ve found the people you want to spend the most time with, how do you keep them? Life and relationships are all about giving without expectation. Those that give tend to get a lot more back, in both tangible and intangible ways. We offer our pets our time, attention, food, etc. They give us back something far more significant – their love. Giving provides a sense of pride, and it instills our lives with meaning. As Einstein put it, “Strive Not to Be a Person of Success, but a Person of Value.”
5. Love Yourself No Matter What
You’re going to fuck up. Admit your mistakes with honor, and strive to be the best person you can be. When life throws you curveballs, resist the temptation to blame or complain. Negativity will only distract you from the joy of life.
But most of all, don’t beat yourself up. Many people fall prey to the perfectionism trap. They think that if they get something wrong, that they’ve failed. They treat any failure as a condemnation of their self worth. They are their own worst enemy. Know that you’re already perfect in your own way. You don’t need anyone’s validation. You don’t need to be or do something to be worthy of joy. Love yourself without strings attached.
What keys to being happier have worked the best for you? Contact us or post in the comments below!
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